Everything happens for a reason

That's what they say isn't it? Am I alone in sometimes struggling to find the reason? What if we do find the reason but absolutely do NOT agree with it?

Having completed the Women Can Marathon and hating it, I was now training to do a 2nd trail marathon with similar terrain and elevation as before, that would be on 15th October which is also my 40th Birthday. Because of previous experience it would be now more important than ever that I got my training right, it was going to be a big day and I really, really wanted to relax and enjoy it while still attempting to get a personal best (run it in under 5 hours). This was going to be an amazing way to spend my 40th and I was genuinely excited.

Training wasn't as enjoyable this time round though, I put a little to much pressure on myself to up the mileage as the thought of being defeated again by 26.2 miles wasn't going to be an option. When I got hit by a relapse approx.4 months ago I seemed to take a side step for a few weeks. My confidence took a bit of a battering as my vision was effected pretty badly and continuous balts of vertigo made me feel unsteady on my feet. That said, I still went out and did the miles, not as fast as I would have liked but I still went out. Running is my therapy and it especially helped me through the relapse, it gives me something to be in control of. If I didn't run or get outside and take part in a physical activity them I can only see myself stuck at home wallowing in my own Pity Party. Nope, that's not for me thank you very much.

I started to attend our local Parkrun event every Saturday, a great way of meeting other runners and being part of that community and it has to be one of the best things I have done. So many people getting out there and doing the same thing as me, no one judging anyone and everyone supporting each other. This was just what I needed as it helped me see that it is far more about the taking part than how fast you go. Yep, everything was working out for me this time. I new I could do the mileage, I was confident that I could complete it in under 5 hours and I had now relaxed enough to enjoy the event and my birthday.

Because of the amount of mileage I had done over the last few months I started to get a continuous pain in my left hamstring that was effecting my runs so thought it would be best to go and get a sports massage. The massage was a good eye opener for me, it was advised that the mileage I was doing was too high (approx. 160 miles a month), especially for someone with a chronic illness that introduces all sorts of mobility issues to your body. I was warned that I would soon get an injury if I didn't address it. Let the tapering begin, it was time to slow the miles down so that I would be in ship shape come the 15th.

To begin the tapering and with just 10 days to go I decided to go out and cover 10 miles of mix terrain, I wanted to get as much trail miles in as possible with the little time I had left. The weather had been pretty bad for the last week or two so the trails where going to be muddy but hey, the muddier the better, it can be so much fun hoping and skipping around the squidgy puddles. Feeling like, what I can only describe as a Warrior Princess, I pounded the sludge until, 'slip, fall, crack'. And in as slower motion as I felt the fall was, my world ended.

Everything had just been ruined in one stupid fall. Everything that I had been working for was over. Not only is my birthday marathon dream over but running is my life, it is everything that I am about, without running who am I? Having spent the last week going through the typical emotions, anger, sorrow, self pity and even loneliness, I find myself desperately looking for the answer to the riddle, 'everything happens for a reason'.

That Women Can Marathon

Way back in May this year I took part in The Women Can Marathon. Having suggested in my last blog that I would give regular updates on my training and the progress I was making has left me feeling a little embarrassed and stuck as to how I can start off again from here. After much consideration I have chosen to carry on like nothing has happened and hope that no one notices my absence over the last 10 or so months. So here we go;

The Women Can was by far the hardest and bravest thing that I have ever done. Please don't misunderstand though, the training was a dream, it was just the actual marathon itself that hurt. Let me explain, with every training session came an enormous sense of achievement, be it distance, speed, hill work or facing the great British winter weather, every time my run ended I felt good. There was very little pressure with the training, if I needed to do 18 miles for example but started struggling then I would just stop, breath, self talk and carry on. If I needed the toilet then I'd simply find a bush (I know but this shit is real), if pain got too bad I could always make a phone call and get picked up. It became more and more apparent over time that running was my escape, means of clearing my mind and I was really enjoying the process. Yep, I totally had this and felt confident that I could run the 26.2 miles on the big day, running was my new love and I felt that I was pretty good at it at this stage.

The race started positively for me, I was joined by a new but great friend who also has a chronic illness (far worse than me), we weren't chasing a time we just wanted to achieve, to get it done was the reason that we were both running, so that we knew we could. The sun was shining, the excitement and nervousness was on point, everything was going to be wonderful and all that we had hoped for.

For the first 12 miles I'd say that my smiles were pretty genuine, the adventure was still exciting up until I saw part of, and remembered the 2 mile hill stretch that was coming my way. That little stubborn cow that I have inside me decided to show its face at this point (much to my regret) and kept me running while everyone else around me took the wise decision to slow down and walk. From this moment on the marathon became a beast for me. Feeling overwhelming pains in my chest and my ribs were agonising and caused me to stop on many occasions, I just wanted it to end and slowly became riddled with emotions that were completely new to me. How could I let a simple stomach cramp ruin me like this, why couldn't I just run through it, was something wrong with me? This went on for another 5 or so miles until we hit the long awaited downhill segment. Oh joy you would think wouldn't you? but oh no, new challenge new pains. Now my toes were on fire, every step seemed to cripple my feet, join that with the upper body pains and I just wanted to crawl in a little ball and start crying my eyes out.

Now was the time where I had to rely on inner strength, when the mental side of running (and that is 90% of it) has to step up and take control. And that it did, allowing me to cross the finish line, holding my son by the hand, 5 hours and 2 minutes later and thank the lord above for that. This was by far one of the hardest mental battles I have ever experienced and I put a lot of it down to self sabotage. I put far to much pressure on myself as things got tough, constant self talk that I was failing at something that I should really be good at, maybe I wasn't good enough after all. That devil on my shoulder simply wouldn't shut the fuck up, you can't do it, you hurt, you're weak and you are letting a petty stomach cramp slow you down and drag you under. Join that with the stubborn cow I talked of earlier and it is no wonder I got myself in a bit of a pickle and ceased to enjoy the event when the going got tough.

Post-race depression kicked in from the moment I finished, believing everything I had told myself for 13 odd miles was difficult to overcome. But overcome it I did, within 2 days I was all ready to do it again because after all, I was strong, I did get through the tough of it, I did finish the race, this girl did good and as always, we never fail, we just learn and that is exactly what I did.  It turns out that my upper body pain was in fact an MS hug, no doubt many can relate to this. If I had only done my 'MS research' pre race then I am very confident that it would have completely changed the game for me. Knowledge is key and if I had had more of it then I would have flogged my stubborn side from the off. It turns out that I just needed to slow done and chill out rather than beat myself up and keep running because I thought I was a looser if I didn't.

The whole reason I chose to take part in the Women Can was because I have a chronic illness but I feel that I am stronger than it and had something to prove. Turns out that the lesson for me is that I am far better off working with my illness instead of against it. It is always going to be there and show is face when it so desires, so for me, the best way is to smile back at it but slowly keep going, never give up.