Oh my word, where do I start on this one?
Well I was meeting a business partner in a local café and this is something that I always look forward to, I get to be me for a couple of hours rather than a mum or a wife. So in I waltz, feeling all free, independent and generally pretty pleased with myself. My college wasn't there yet so I took myself to the bar to order a latte before getting myself seated. Coffee ordered, table for 2 spotted and off I went. I found my route in between the back of 2 tables (I will add at this point that there was plenty of room for me to get by, I didn't even have to squeeze past) and as I walked through I managed to walk directly into the chair of a lady who was happily sipping her coffee. Not only did I walk into the back of her chair but I also managed to drag and spin it a good enough distance to cause her to spit out a small amount of coffee along with spilling some on herself. The horrified look she gave me was something else! I naturally apologised immediately and declared what a wally I was whilst giving an embarrassed giggle. Her look of discuss remained and she turned herself back around to face her table. 'Rude cow' I thought, it was only an accident, no harm meant..
After getting myself seated I very much enjoyed a little quiet time scrolling through my phone whilst making the odd joke with the couple on my left. Life was good and I felt pretty cool and independent, just chilling on my own in a coffee shop, I had already forgotten the previous incident with the miserable cow behind me.
30 minutes later and it would appear that I had been stood u. Not a problem, I had finished my latte and the glass of water that I had helped myself too so up I stood all ready to leave. Having carefully swung my rucksack over one shoulder I decided the polite thing to do would be to carry my empty glasses back to the bar because, well I was a cool and breezy friendly kind of a girl. There was plenty of room in front of me as the tables there were empty so I picked up the crockery and made me way to the bar, up until the mug just completely leap off the saucer I was carrying and flew into the air. I watched the incident in slow motion thinking to myself 'please don't smash, please don't smash' as the mug spun all the way to the ground. Thank goodness it didn't smash, the relief tingled down my body but as I bent down to retrieve the mug I noticed that all the remaining foam from the mug had flow out and completed splattered the gentleman now sat with his back to me, and what's more is that his face would suggest that he had also noticed. Oh god, please swallow me up ground, please just swallow me up... But no, instead I apologised about a million times while crouching on the floor thumbling around in my rucksack looking for a wet wipe. The remainder of what I said is all a bit of a blur but I do recall wiping foam from his shoes and complimenting him on how lovely they were, how sorry I was and how much my husband would have loved them. Give me strength! I'm not sure why I have to babble such nonsense when I am in a panic but I really wish I wouldn't.
Anyway, once I had got the gentleman and the floor clean, I apologised again, got myself and the mug/glass together and continued to the bar. It was at this point that I was met by a waitress who put her hands out and said she would take them for me. "its ok" I said, "I've got them" but she was having none of it, she stared at me and roughly said "NO, ITS OK I HAVE GOT THEM" as she snatched them from my hands.
It was the very moment the door closed behind me that it hit me, they thought I was drunk. I raced through the events in my mind and then repeated them as an onlooker and yes, of course they did.
That is exactly how I looked. I wanted to so desperately go back in there and explain to each person that I had made contact with of my situation, of my illness, of my lack of balance and of my brain fog until I realised that actually it doesn't actually matter does it? I have always been clumsy and the people that know and love me know that, does it really mean that much what strangers think of me?The truth is, had I not have noticed so much on social media, the thought would never have entered my mind. Was I being controlled by a label that I believe I should be associated with? If I didn't have MS it would have just been Gemma being Gemma but because I do then I get to blame my behaviour on something.
How much of our emotions are controlled but outside influences? I know that if I watch or read about negative sides of MS or any chronic illness to be honest, it can really drag me down. I end up feeling pretty sorry for myself and this is a state that doesn't fit comfortably with me. I want to be inspired and learn about the 'what could be's' instead of the 'what can go wrong's' or the 'how bad it can get's'. If we focus our minds on the negatives then surely that is what we are going to attract. Focusing on the positives have been working for me for a few years now so this is where I am going to remain, if I look drunk whilst in my gym wear in the early afternoon at a coffee shop then so be it. I am sure it would have given someone something to giggle at and that's what its all about - being happy.
