Its been one of those days when every word that seems to have come out of my month has been quiet frankly, bullshit. Be it that I am mid sentence and completely the wrong word leaves my lips or that I simply can not think for the life of me what the actual word is that I need to say. It is so dam frustrating and something that I feel I have no control over at all. I think that is the most difficult part for me, not being able to control it. If my MS causes me fatigue then I get up off my arse and do something, some sort of cardio. If I have aches and pains then I stretch it out and focus on being pain-free (crazy but for me it works). If I have severe headaches then I rest my eyes and take drugs plus drink more water. If I have body temperature problems then I add cloths or remove then and either warm up or cool down. If my balance is all over the place then I slow down. The list goes on but I just can't seem to stop myself from saying 'bugger or sod' instead of 'darling or sweetheart', the words just leave my mouth and that's it, the seed has been sewn.
Argh, its almost like I have a mild form of tourettes sometimes (please excuse me if you do have tourettes and I am talking out of term but hey, this is what this post is about I guess). I wish it ended there but if I am talking about how my brain no longer works the way it used to then there is so much more. I seem to get waves of confusion that come over me, it can be the simplest thing but I almost feel like I am half asleep and just don't get it, I can't concentrate much of the time and the forgetfulness is just embarrassing, I never used to be like this, I never forgot peoples names or how to preform a simple daily task. The one thing I will admit to is following directions, I have always been rubbish at that so am delighted that this is still the case, yay me for keeping a little bit of the old Gemma LOL.
Here's the thing, I have only just admitted to this being an issue to me and the reason for that is because of the feedback I am getting. Every time I try to explain this to someone, a friend or loved one the response is always the same - "oh I do that sort of thing all the time", "don't worry about it, loads of people forget what they are talking about mid sentence" or "you are just a busy Mum, we are all like it". If I had a pound for every time someone said "baby brain" to me I would be rolling in it and to be honest I went with it for a while but my children are now almost 4 and 2 years old so I just can't get away with it anymore. I'm not sure why but the whole thing is so frustrating for me because I know its not just a thing that everyone gets, its not right. You know when you know that something isn't right don't you? So this is what lead me to looking into it a bit more, reassurance if nothing else. I don't normally over investigate my MS symptoms because, if I am honest, I am scared of what I may learn but this time I am glad that I did. You see I'm not crazy, it is totally an MS thing and that was all I really needed to know. I don't know why that make it better, I can't explain it but it just does, it doesn't make it better or go away but it just makes it sit better with me.
The next thing is how to deal with it when it happens, being as I don't feel that I can control it without drugs (and this is a road that I am avoiding at all costs, reasons that I am sure I will talk about in the near future).
Defending myself immediately by explaining the illness and side effects etc is definitely a no go, I've tried that and just ended up babbling a whole lot more and getting myself all tangled up, blah blah blah. That's not going to be an option.
Skipping past calling someones baby daughter a 'cute little sod' is also not an option, I must have to do something at this stage, but what? You see, I don't have the answers I just figure that talking about it may rest someone else's mind assure that this is actually a 'thing' and that you are not alone. Maybe laugh at it and hope you become friends with the 'cute little sod's' mum so that you and explain and laugh about it over coffee at a later date. Either way, you are NOT alone and this IS just another joy of a fabulous illness that can surely only ever make us stronger.
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