Everything happens for a reason

That's what they say isn't it? Am I alone in sometimes struggling to find the reason? What if we do find the reason but absolutely do NOT agree with it?

Having completed the Women Can Marathon and hating it, I was now training to do a 2nd trail marathon with similar terrain and elevation as before, that would be on 15th October which is also my 40th Birthday. Because of previous experience it would be now more important than ever that I got my training right, it was going to be a big day and I really, really wanted to relax and enjoy it while still attempting to get a personal best (run it in under 5 hours). This was going to be an amazing way to spend my 40th and I was genuinely excited.

Training wasn't as enjoyable this time round though, I put a little to much pressure on myself to up the mileage as the thought of being defeated again by 26.2 miles wasn't going to be an option. When I got hit by a relapse approx.4 months ago I seemed to take a side step for a few weeks. My confidence took a bit of a battering as my vision was effected pretty badly and continuous balts of vertigo made me feel unsteady on my feet. That said, I still went out and did the miles, not as fast as I would have liked but I still went out. Running is my therapy and it especially helped me through the relapse, it gives me something to be in control of. If I didn't run or get outside and take part in a physical activity them I can only see myself stuck at home wallowing in my own Pity Party. Nope, that's not for me thank you very much.

I started to attend our local Parkrun event every Saturday, a great way of meeting other runners and being part of that community and it has to be one of the best things I have done. So many people getting out there and doing the same thing as me, no one judging anyone and everyone supporting each other. This was just what I needed as it helped me see that it is far more about the taking part than how fast you go. Yep, everything was working out for me this time. I new I could do the mileage, I was confident that I could complete it in under 5 hours and I had now relaxed enough to enjoy the event and my birthday.

Because of the amount of mileage I had done over the last few months I started to get a continuous pain in my left hamstring that was effecting my runs so thought it would be best to go and get a sports massage. The massage was a good eye opener for me, it was advised that the mileage I was doing was too high (approx. 160 miles a month), especially for someone with a chronic illness that introduces all sorts of mobility issues to your body. I was warned that I would soon get an injury if I didn't address it. Let the tapering begin, it was time to slow the miles down so that I would be in ship shape come the 15th.

To begin the tapering and with just 10 days to go I decided to go out and cover 10 miles of mix terrain, I wanted to get as much trail miles in as possible with the little time I had left. The weather had been pretty bad for the last week or two so the trails where going to be muddy but hey, the muddier the better, it can be so much fun hoping and skipping around the squidgy puddles. Feeling like, what I can only describe as a Warrior Princess, I pounded the sludge until, 'slip, fall, crack'. And in as slower motion as I felt the fall was, my world ended.

Everything had just been ruined in one stupid fall. Everything that I had been working for was over. Not only is my birthday marathon dream over but running is my life, it is everything that I am about, without running who am I? Having spent the last week going through the typical emotions, anger, sorrow, self pity and even loneliness, I find myself desperately looking for the answer to the riddle, 'everything happens for a reason'.

That Women Can Marathon

Way back in May this year I took part in The Women Can Marathon. Having suggested in my last blog that I would give regular updates on my training and the progress I was making has left me feeling a little embarrassed and stuck as to how I can start off again from here. After much consideration I have chosen to carry on like nothing has happened and hope that no one notices my absence over the last 10 or so months. So here we go;

The Women Can was by far the hardest and bravest thing that I have ever done. Please don't misunderstand though, the training was a dream, it was just the actual marathon itself that hurt. Let me explain, with every training session came an enormous sense of achievement, be it distance, speed, hill work or facing the great British winter weather, every time my run ended I felt good. There was very little pressure with the training, if I needed to do 18 miles for example but started struggling then I would just stop, breath, self talk and carry on. If I needed the toilet then I'd simply find a bush (I know but this shit is real), if pain got too bad I could always make a phone call and get picked up. It became more and more apparent over time that running was my escape, means of clearing my mind and I was really enjoying the process. Yep, I totally had this and felt confident that I could run the 26.2 miles on the big day, running was my new love and I felt that I was pretty good at it at this stage.

The race started positively for me, I was joined by a new but great friend who also has a chronic illness (far worse than me), we weren't chasing a time we just wanted to achieve, to get it done was the reason that we were both running, so that we knew we could. The sun was shining, the excitement and nervousness was on point, everything was going to be wonderful and all that we had hoped for.

For the first 12 miles I'd say that my smiles were pretty genuine, the adventure was still exciting up until I saw part of, and remembered the 2 mile hill stretch that was coming my way. That little stubborn cow that I have inside me decided to show its face at this point (much to my regret) and kept me running while everyone else around me took the wise decision to slow down and walk. From this moment on the marathon became a beast for me. Feeling overwhelming pains in my chest and my ribs were agonising and caused me to stop on many occasions, I just wanted it to end and slowly became riddled with emotions that were completely new to me. How could I let a simple stomach cramp ruin me like this, why couldn't I just run through it, was something wrong with me? This went on for another 5 or so miles until we hit the long awaited downhill segment. Oh joy you would think wouldn't you? but oh no, new challenge new pains. Now my toes were on fire, every step seemed to cripple my feet, join that with the upper body pains and I just wanted to crawl in a little ball and start crying my eyes out.

Now was the time where I had to rely on inner strength, when the mental side of running (and that is 90% of it) has to step up and take control. And that it did, allowing me to cross the finish line, holding my son by the hand, 5 hours and 2 minutes later and thank the lord above for that. This was by far one of the hardest mental battles I have ever experienced and I put a lot of it down to self sabotage. I put far to much pressure on myself as things got tough, constant self talk that I was failing at something that I should really be good at, maybe I wasn't good enough after all. That devil on my shoulder simply wouldn't shut the fuck up, you can't do it, you hurt, you're weak and you are letting a petty stomach cramp slow you down and drag you under. Join that with the stubborn cow I talked of earlier and it is no wonder I got myself in a bit of a pickle and ceased to enjoy the event when the going got tough.

Post-race depression kicked in from the moment I finished, believing everything I had told myself for 13 odd miles was difficult to overcome. But overcome it I did, within 2 days I was all ready to do it again because after all, I was strong, I did get through the tough of it, I did finish the race, this girl did good and as always, we never fail, we just learn and that is exactly what I did.  It turns out that my upper body pain was in fact an MS hug, no doubt many can relate to this. If I had only done my 'MS research' pre race then I am very confident that it would have completely changed the game for me. Knowledge is key and if I had had more of it then I would have flogged my stubborn side from the off. It turns out that I just needed to slow done and chill out rather than beat myself up and keep running because I thought I was a looser if I didn't.

The whole reason I chose to take part in the Women Can was because I have a chronic illness but I feel that I am stronger than it and had something to prove. Turns out that the lesson for me is that I am far better off working with my illness instead of against it. It is always going to be there and show is face when it so desires, so for me, the best way is to smile back at it but slowly keep going, never give up.

Let's Talk Training

It feels like forever since my last blog. It has been forever since my last blog, and what's my excuse? I feel like I have a million and one but actually, its simply because I'm knackered and if I'm honest, I am secretly quite desperate to blame it on my MS. Be it fatigue, mental blog, depression, whatever, but the truth is that I'm just one tired lady.

Being a stay at home Mum to a 1 and 3 year old is pretty hard going as I am sure many people know but add to that, a husband to feed & water plus a 26.2 mile marathon to train for..... bluuurrr. Most evenings are the same, by the time the boys are down, dinner is cooked and eaten, dishes done, face washed and teeth brushed its 10pm and I am totally done. Before you know it, I am being woken up from the sofa and told to go to bed.

This is my life and my problem to deal with, I get that but it's also my pitiful excuse as to why I have not managed to post a blog in a while - girl must try harder!

Let me talk about my training though. It is amazing. I have completely fallen in love with Trail running (thank goodness being as I am soon to be running 26.2 miles of it), it is tough and taking its toll on my body but never the less, it is a love affair that carries the same thrill. There is just something about getting out there, rain or shine, and freeing your mind that brings an overwhelming happiness from within you. It is like having a little bit of time to forget who you are or who you are expected to be.

You get to just 'be' and nothing feels more uplifting. I do appreciate that not everyone with MS is able to put on their trainers and start running but I do recommend getting out there. Move your body as much as it will let you and just get out there. To enjoy the world, your surroundings and be grateful for them, its just something else. So much so that I have just signed up to do another full trail marathon this year,  and 3 half marathons. Oh my goodness, I'm not sure what has gotten into me but it must be love, the love of the trails and the freedom that joins it. The crazy thing is that the 2nd full marathon falls on the very date that I turn 40 years old!! Some people may call me crazy but  I think, to hell with that, it is amazing.  Not many women (especially with a chronic illness) are going to be able to say that in a way of celebrating them turning the ripe old age of 40, did they tie up their laces, put on their race numbers and run across country of over 26 miles. Yay me, it is going to be epic and I can not wait.

But now we are talking serious business, serious training and serious nutrition and up until a week or so ago, I hadn't a clue. I always just figured that I'm having a great time, running is fun and my health is at its best. That's me, happy. But it turns out that I really do need to pay attention to how I train, to avoid injuries etc and to take a look a what I eat, to save fatigue. Well this is a whole new world to me, I'm like a rabbit in the headlights. But as advised, I have done a little research on the nutrition side and it is actually looking very promising. Much of the recommended foods have also appeared within the guidelines of an MSers diet and something that I should already be paying attention to. At this stage I haven't ventured too far into it but last nights meal was tasty and full of greens such as kale, broccoli and sprouts along with chicken and whole wheat pasta. A melody on the taste buds (despite what my husband says).

So here's the start of another 'new' for me and one that I am keen to share with you all. Training and food, I bet you can't wait for my next post ;-)

Toilet Talk

Yes that's right, let talk about the toilet.

Its been a while since my last post but this one was always going to be about the problem I have with always needing a wee. Its been a growing concern of mine and even more so since signing up to do the Women Can Marathon. Here's the thing, I always need a wee. That's it, it really is that simple. I always need a wee. No matter where I am or what time it is, I always need a bloody wee. Its not a case of holding it in, like I used to be able to do and I'm sure that most of you still can, no no no, its a case of 'I need to and I need to now!'

So what's the big deal? I agree that its not the end of the world, not by any stretch of the imagination. I go to the loo before I leave the house and immediately when and where I arrive. I then make sure I go again before I leave said place and so forth. This is all well and good in practice (and it has taken some practice) but what's a girl to go when out in the countryside or I the middle of a 26.2 mile marathon? Oh crumbs, the panic just thinking about it.

There are 3 things that I can think of that is causing me the 'wee' problems.
1. The amount of water I am drinking throughout the day
2. I have had 2 children
3. I have MS (dum dum dum)

Breaking them down, no.1 the amount of water I drink. Well I try to drink 4 litres a day as this is the recommended daily amount and if you bare in mind that I sweat a lot due to the amount of physical activity I do every day, plus that I suffer from extreme night sweats, I don't think this is too much. It is to my understanding also that you do tend to need the toilet pretty frequently when you first start to take on more water than normal but that is just until your body gets used to it. I have been drinking this much for a good few months now and to be honest, I'm only managing 2-3 litres a day at the moment so surely this couldn't be major contributing factor could it?

No.2, carrying 2 children. Hum, not sure about this one. I have many 'Mummy' friends and I am not sure that any of them have complained about having to rush to the toilet like I do. Yeah, we all have the occasional accident but that's occasional, I'd give anything for occasional. I am totally ruling out issue no.2.

That leaves no.3 MS. As always, I know every little about this part of the illness, only that I notice people mentioning the urinal issues that MS can effect so I have done a little research.  'The nerve pathways in the spine are interrupted, even a small amount of urine in the bladder can cause it to contract. This causes a need to urinate frequently. Another (oh yes, there's another) problem  is an inability to hold on'. And there it is, right there. To me it seems that I am going to be needing a wee regardless but I am increasing the problem to drinking so much fluid throughout the day. As I said before, this is not a huge problem but I am training to do long distance running and for me, that makes it a big problem.

As it stands, when I go out running now I plan a route where I know there will be public toilets which makes it easy for me. As an example, on my 10-13 mile route I go before I leave home, then once I arrive at the car park at the start of the run, stop at public toilets approx. 4 miles in, stop again as I pass back through the same path now 6 miles in and then for the last time when I finish at the first public toilet stop. That planning just about sees me through my run, yay, but how the hell am I going to be able to go for the length of a full marathon without needing a wee?

Is this something that 'mindset' will deal with? Being a strong believer in ones mindset I absolutely plan on this being my lifesaver, either that or I plan on wetting myself all the way through LOL

Talking Out Of My Arse

The title may seem a little extreme but really, that's just how I'm feeling today.

Its been one of those days when every word that seems to have come out of my month has been quiet frankly, bullshit. Be it that I am mid sentence and completely the wrong word leaves my lips or that I simply can not think for the life of me what the actual word is that I need to say. It is so dam frustrating and something that I feel I have no control over at all.  I think that is the most difficult part for me, not being able to control it. If my MS causes me fatigue then I get up off my arse and do something, some sort of cardio. If I have aches and pains then I stretch it out and focus on being pain-free (crazy but for me it works). If I have severe headaches then I rest my eyes and take drugs plus drink more water. If I have body temperature problems then I add cloths or remove then and either warm up or cool down. If my balance is all over the place then I slow down. The list goes on but I just can't seem to stop myself from saying 'bugger or sod' instead of 'darling or sweetheart', the words just leave my mouth and that's it, the seed has been sewn.

Argh, its almost like I have a mild form of tourettes sometimes (please excuse me if you do have tourettes and I am talking out of term but hey, this is what this post is about I guess). I wish it ended there but if I am talking about how my brain no longer works the way it used to then there is so much more. I seem to get waves of confusion that come over me, it can be the simplest thing but I almost feel like I am half asleep and just don't get it, I can't concentrate much of the time and the forgetfulness is just embarrassing, I never used to be like this, I never forgot peoples names or how to preform a simple daily task. The one thing I will admit to is following directions, I have always been rubbish at that so am delighted that this is still the case, yay me for keeping a little bit of the old Gemma LOL.

Here's the thing, I have only just admitted to this being an issue to me and the reason for that is because of the feedback I am getting.  Every time I try to explain this to someone, a friend or loved one the response is always the same - "oh I do that sort of thing all the time", "don't worry about it, loads of people forget what they are talking about mid sentence" or "you are just a busy Mum, we are all like it". If I had a pound for every time someone said "baby brain" to me I would be rolling in it and to be honest I went with it for a while but my children are now almost 4 and 2 years old so I just can't get away with it anymore.  I'm not sure why but the whole thing is so frustrating for me because I know its not just a thing that everyone gets, its not right. You know when you know that something isn't right don't you? So this is what lead me to looking into it a bit more, reassurance if nothing else. I don't normally over investigate my MS symptoms because, if I am honest, I am scared of what I may learn but this time I am glad that I did. You see I'm not crazy, it is totally an MS thing and that was all I really needed to know. I don't know why that make it better, I can't explain it but it just does, it doesn't make it better or go away but it just makes it sit better with me.

The next thing is how to deal with it when it happens, being as I don't feel that I can control it without drugs (and this is a road that I am avoiding at all costs, reasons that I am sure I will talk about in the near future).
Defending myself immediately by explaining the illness and side effects etc is definitely a no go, I've tried that and just ended up babbling a whole lot more and getting myself all tangled up, blah blah blah. That's not going to be an option.
Skipping past calling someones baby daughter a 'cute little sod' is also not an option, I must have to do something at this stage, but what? You see, I don't have the answers I just figure that talking about it may rest someone else's mind assure that this is actually a 'thing' and that you are not alone. Maybe laugh at it and hope you become friends with the 'cute little sod's' mum so that you and explain and laugh about it over coffee at a later date. Either way, you are NOT alone and this IS just another joy of a fabulous illness that can surely only ever make us stronger.

Embrace a Challenge

Ok, ok, ok, so I may have set myself this challenge but why the hell not. It was one of those things that I just came across, as though a path had lead me to it on purpose and it got my heart racing at the sheer thought of it.

When it was first decided that we were moving to Cornwall, I got straight on Facebook searching for local groups that I could join to help me settle in. I'm be honest, there weren't many groups local to my area but I did spot, and immediately joined, a Trail Running Group. At the time I new nothing about trail running (I truly didn't understand what it meant) but as far as I was concerned it was a running group that would be full of like-minded people that I was sure I could relate too.
Now I'll be honest, to this point I haven't been fortunate enough to join the group on their Sunday morning trails due to having 2 children, a work-addict of a husband and no sitters (as of yet) but I do follow them on Facebook as I am keen to get started asap. But, a recent post on the group caught my attention, WomenCan marathon. Yep, I was checking it out straight away. A full trail marathon (26.4 miles) across Devon pathways to celebrate 50 years since the first ever women took part in a full marathon.

Everything that I read filled me with absolute excitement. A marathon that was for women only, near to where I currently live, doesn't cost the earth to enter, off road and a MASSIVE challenge to me, an old bird with MS.  I got in contact with the organisers straight away, finances are not at there best at the moment and there was no way that I wanted to risk not getting a place and I can not tell you how excited I was with the response.  There are still places left and if it looked like they were closing in then someone would message me so that I could grab my chance and not risk missing out.

Why am I so desperate to be part of this event? There are so many reasons;
1. The feeling and buzz that I get when I take on a personal challenge
2. I am (hopefully but not yet confirmed) able to raise some money for an MS Charity that have already done so much for me)
3. Push myself mentally and physically
4. Be able to inspire so many other people and spread the message that anything is possible
5. I can say that I achieved something that for me, is incredible.

And so the training has started. My first recorded run was last week, I planned on doing 10k as I believed I was pretty much already doing that whenever I go out anyway but as I was recording my results using Strava then I would have something to track me through my training. Little did I know that I wasn't doing anything near 10k already, not even touching it in fact. Ekkkk, and panic! Don't get me wrong, I did it and it felt good but this is actually going to really push me. During my first proper run my MS did show its face, the numbness started halfway through and I stopped for a while to allow a bit of time for the feeling to come back to my fingers and toes. Just look at the views on my break though, so often we get so focused on the finish line that we forget to enjoy the journey - well thank you numbness and as always, thank you MS, this is already a journey I know that I am going to love to hate. Bring it on, I can not bloody wait!

Running naked in the rain

I should start by stressing that I have not actually been running 'naked' in the rain but I feel that during my last outing I pretty much could have been and would still have been completely comfortable and confident in myself if I was.

Let me explain.....
I'm not sure about anyone else but the thought of any type of fitness doesn't always excite me in the way you would imagine, especially as I do some sort of physical activity 6 days a week. Don't get me wrong, the initial thoughts are always positive and full of excitement because I know that once I have worked up a sweat and pushed myself to the limit I become a different person, someone that I love being. Oozing with confidence and a having a great sense of achievement that overpowers almost any self doubts that I may have is an incredible feeling and certainly one that is worth all the pain and sweat that I put my, sometimes, fatigued and aching body through.  But when it comes to crunch time I really have to force myself to just bloody well get on with it, and a few days ago it was a real struggle. Having decided the evening before that I would drop Michael at pre school and then take Stanley out in the running buggy for a morning run I could not believe my luck to wake up to the noise of rain hammering down on the bedroom window. Oh Christ! I had really wanted to go for a nice run and now its raining. Never mind, a bit of rain never hurt anyone and I could always scrap the run and do a home workout instead. No, I had planned a run and was looking forward to it, plus is was still only 4.30am and the weather is bound to calm down come 9 o'clock. Yes, I was still going for a run.

The rain didn't stop and I couldn't help but notice how chilly it was outside when I did the school run. Should I cancel and stay at home?  I would be cold running in the rain and then the MS would cause me to lose the feeling in my hands and possibly my feet as it tends to when I get cold. Oh Christ Gemma, just get the bloody buggy in the car and drive..

So I did and as I parked up, still trying to talk myself into it, I couldn't help but notice another 'going for a run' lady getting out of her car, just like that. Out she got, did a couple of stretches and she was off. Hum, a little bit of self-talk would help me out here surely, it had to be 'self-talk' as Stanley had already fallen asleep in the back of the car so there was not point in my trying to pretend to talk to my 1 year old. "She is probably only going a mile or two, not as far as me. She certainly isn't pushing a 2 stone baby in a buggy. I'm sure that she must have had more of a lie-in than me. There is no way that she has a chronic illness like me, that's for sure".  Funnily enough, the self-talk didn't make the slightest bit of difference but it did remind me that actually I was pretty tough. I do have a chronic illness, I am still choosing to push myself and go out running in the rain, I am taking my baby with me and I have been up since 4.30am. Yep, I am a fighter.

3....2.....1.....
I was out and off. The first 5 minutes where a little uncomfortable but only because I let my fears of numbness control my mind. Once the blood started pumping through my body the endorphins slowly started to show their face and I became alive. That feeling that I already new existed and the one that I guess I was chasing in a way had come alive.  Within 10 minutes the rain had become a blessing, the fresh smell that filled the air of the surrounding woods was sweet and innocent and the drops trickling down my face where so refreshing.  Every dog-walker that I passed, all wrapped up in big rain coats and wearing suitable wheelie boots, shared a greeting with me and each smile made me feel that it was their way of saying "well done you".

It would be true to say that I was totally buzzing and every step I took seemed to be effortless, no better than that, every step was a pleasure. The route I took was a trail run and pretty hilly but the scenery made it totally worth while and what's more is that once I made it to the top of the hill I am so full of pride that I actually feel like I am stood on top of the world.  The half-way point is always the best for me, to be able to stop and say 'wow, I have bloody done it.  After all that flapping about during the build up to what now seems very much like a simple run in the rain, I have actually done it, and it is beautiful'. The sense of achievement, knowing that you are better than 'that' and reminding yourself that you are one strong badass is exceptional and one of the biggest highs that life can give.

So all in all, if you skip through my babbling on about the whole build-up to what is,  I believe,  one of life's most fantastic feelings is that we all have 2 choices. We can choose to lie back and let the world/life/whatever you prefer to call it, control us or we can stand up to it, find our inner most strengths and live every second to the fullest. The rewards out-way any effort that it takes (big or small) as being able to say to yourself  'I fucking did it' has got to be the best thing ever!

Before I end the post I finish by saying that when I returned to my car I did strip off my soaking wet top and vest, down to just my running bra and pants (trousers) before wrapping myself into a cosy jumper and hoping in the car - half naked lets say ;-)